consciously dreaming

if you look

2007-01-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

Of course I'm still here.
I've just been keeping quiet on this front is all.
I've been spending some time learning.
People, places, things... a little bit of everything.
Not in any formal institution mind you. They won't have me. Yet.
But that's another story.
For another place.
And maybe another time.
Because like I said, I'm still here.
But I'm everywhere else too.

You'll see what I mean.

an update

2006-09-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys, I had to disappear for a little while.
I'm not actually back yet either.
Consider this a recording.

"The party you are trying to reach has vanished off the face of the earth, please feel free to e-mail him a message at the beep, or keep on watching for his digitized footsteps, as they are bound to pop up sooner or later."

Somewhere.

love Colin

july is almost over

2006-07-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

I finally decide to get back into this again and my network goes all crazy-like and won't allow me internet access until this second. Fortunately, I'm one of those optimist type folk, and am pretty much just glad that it's finally working.

Pffft.

Okay so that above text was written several hours ago before a friend of mine came over and started throwing shit at my window 'cause I wouldn't answer my cellphone. We're talking rocks at the windowpane, whisper-shouting my name, flashing the headlights stuff, like the kind of things I used to do for my old girlfriend.

Let me tell you, this guy is the shit.

So he comes by and tells me to come outside for a second. Based on past experience, I ask if I'll need shoes and he says yes and five minutes later we're at the bar and he's saying "Oh! I forgot you had to work in the morning."

Again, this guy is my hero.

So basically I'm just finishing this up. I hate to leave something half-done, and I've missed the internet these past few weeks, and mostly just wanted to say that I'm glad to have you all back. I'll talk to you all soon.

twoonie tuesday

2006-07-12T00:40:00.000-07:00

I just opened a sleeve of soda crackers and they exploded everywhere. The entire surface of this room is now covered with salted tops.

A whole bunch of ultra-cool people dropped by tonight and we drank some drink and talked some talk, and earlier one of the aforementioned people and I were at Queen and Spadina and hot dogs were a dollar and I was blown away and now I want to sew my own sweaters out of vintage clothes and leprechaun powder.

time is just numbers

2006-07-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

I just walked up the stairs carrying a beer in one hand and a burning hot casserole dish of nachos in the other and I didn’t spill. Not a thing.

The house is going to be mostly empty of people other than myself this week and being alone I’ve decided, is pretty much the most relaxing thing in the world. Occasionally the most bored-making thing too, but right now I’m just basking in the sweet sweet solitude.

This morning I lost the ability to tell time and woke up after an hour’s worth of sleep thinking I was late for work and jumped out of bed and freaked out for like ten minutes while staring at the clock and trying to figure out what it said and how I’d slept through my alarm. Plus I couldn’t remember what time it was that I usually get up for work or how to check or set my alarm clock.

So I woke up every half hour until my alarm (already set the night before) went off at six and then I went back to my normal routine of hitting the snooze button until it was almost seven and I no longer had time to shower before work.

Being unemployed had its perks.

one brilliant paperclip

2006-07-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

Today I asked a pirate if all of this was just a game.
He said “The seas look rough.”
I asked him what he meant by that and he answered “Nay scallywag.”
Fucking pirates.
I was also given a pet dinosaur and he is tiny right now but I put him underwater and now he is going to grow bigger and bigger over the next forty-eight hours until he could eat you.

All in all it’s been a pretty good weekend, though I spent far less time out of bed and in the sun than I’d planned. I have an untouched two-four keeping itself cold in the fridge, but I’ll make friends with it later because right now the crazy orange moon in the sky is telling me to go to bed.

Oh, but first I’d like to mention how awesome it is that Kyle MacDonald managed to convince a whole town to welcome him home, build him a monument, and give him a key to their city.
I think it’s neat.

*

2006-07-03T02:17:00.000-07:00

Antisocial as fuck lately.

arrested for being awesome

2006-06-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Here’s the deal for today.
I have a lot of energy that would be put to better use if I was sober, but that's not really an option.
I figure I should take care of some stuff I’ve been meaning to put out there for a while.
Take my “cool shit in the mail club” for example. It’s pretty much the coolest club in town and it costs $0.00 to join. Basically, you just e-mail me your mailing address and then I send you cool shit whenever I get around to it. Keep in mind, that I said E-MAIL as opposed to LEAVE IN COMMENTS because realistically there are freaky people out there and you don’t want them knowing where you live.

Here are the perks of joining my club:

1. I am not crazy and will not stalk you.
2. You get cool shit in the mail for nothing.
3. You get to tell people you belong to a club.

As an added incentive, I should mention that I run a button making company and you therefore you cannot lose out on this deal. In fact, you should be paying me to be a part of my club. Would you like to pay me? I accept cash and all major credit cards. Feel free to do your part to keep this thing going.

Don’t take my word for it though. Check out the following testimonials from these satisfied members…

Smelly D

Colin Pearson

Flu

Oh, I also took the time to take over Mike's Myspace comments, so feel free to check that out as well.

way to go dude

2006-06-14T03:15:00.000-07:00

Alright so here’s my take on ideas and planning and pretty much knowledge in general.
Mostly it’s pretty cool.
Seriously, knowing how things work and being able to use that to your advantage is, well, advantageous.
But there are a lot of people out there who think they know things, and a lot of those things are fairly contradictory. These people are great for sociological studies and applications and it’s neat how they can play out on a broader scale what happens in most of our heads on a day to day basis, but in the end they tend to be the cause of most of humanity’s problems. The solution to some, sure, but the cause to a lot more.
I think I originally had a point to make here, but the Super Mario music in the background made me lose my train of thought.
I think I was trying to say that when it comes down to it, you’ll probably be just as well off taking everything pretty easy. You know, just toss your hat into the ring and see what happens when it falls. Randomness can lead to some shitty outcomes on occasion, but on the whole you’ll be better off than if you try to control everything and fail miserably because all those things you thought you knew were just made up by a bunch of liars to make themselves look better.

Also, I just found out today that Colin Pearson is going to be opening for Matt Good at the Prince George Folkfest this year in Prince George BC. This is pretty much awesome news. It would be even better if I didn’t live way over here in Ontario, and you know, could actually go, but still, good news is good news and I won’t ruin it with my own selfish wants.

hey there internet! how’s it been?

2006-06-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Catch up time:

1. Everything is awesome. Well, with the exception of Waterloo University, ‘cause they don’t want me either. Everything else though? Shiny.

2. For example, right now I am eating barbecued sausages, garlic mushrooms, and roasted red peppers and I couldn’t be happier because it’s all unbelievably good.

3. That last one didn’t need to be numbered but this one does.

4.Vacation time is over, but that’s probably for the better because this new job I’m going to be starting on Monday should be a nice change, and the timing happened to coincide almost perfectly with me running out of money.

5. The other weekend we sang happy birthday to my friend Katherine karaoke style and this stuffed penguin toy jumped off the karaoke lady’s table and into my pocket and I didn’t notice until I went to the bathroom and then I was like “No! You belong on the table until they do another raffle and somebody wins you.” But then he followed me out of the bathroom to the patio and wouldn’t leave me alone until I got mad and threw him into the bushes and rid myself of him, or so I thought, because as our cab was leaving to go back to the house he came running out and dove through the half open window and into my lap. So I gave him to Katherine for her birthday because who wouldn’t want a lonely cursed penguin with a heart of gold? I think she liked him.

6. My computer is mostly broken and turns itself off if I so much as shift my position to reach for my drink whilst it is in my lap which makes doing pretty much anything into an angry-making ordeal.

7. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and call this done because I’m pretty thirsty. Seven is always hyped up as being a lucky number. I like three.

minus fifty points

2006-05-31T00:48:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I know this guy named Flu.

He let us stay at his house for Warped Tour.
He invited me out for good music and two dollar beers for his birthday.
He came to town to fly kites for mine.

I got an e-mail from him over the May 24th weekend asking someone to come out and take him away somewhere else, anywhere else in fact.

So what do I do?
I put it off for a day.
Then another day.
Then I decide to drive down to Niagara Falls to be a good friend to someone else.
Then when I get back in town and am supposed to be getting the car ready to drive up to Barrie with beer and movies and people, I get distracted by another friend who happens to be a girl who I happen to be quite fond of and bail on the whole plan and have only myself to blame.

Now on the one hand, nobody other than myself knew about the drive to Barrie/surprise Flu plan, and I could fully pretend like it never existed and thus not look like a long-weekend asshole, but I can’t play the game like that, so this was my confession.

In my head, everything I think of doing counts whether I actually do it or not.
It’s a tricky way of keeping score because it’s all full of double negatives and imaginary numbers and if I could ever figure out a way to put it on a coloured graph I would be my own hero and probably yours too, and I could start up a whole relationship-quotient graphing company and get paid to help everyone keep track of their interaction levels with the world on a plus/minus scale.

I’d probably make more money with that that I ever could with buttons.
But then, making buttons isn’t about making money.

liquid proportions

2006-05-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

Still haven’t heard back from the other schools yet.
Not really sure what to think about that.
York was my fallback choice and they wouldn’t let me in which has got me wondering what I’ll spend the year doing if I don’t get accepted anywhere.

Let’s change topics.

I made up some drinks for a roadtrip to Kingston tonight.
Gatorade el Diablo.

It’s a third of a bottle of Gatorade with three shots of tequila topped off with half a Monster energy drink.

All of the drinks I make are essentially the same thing only with different types of alcohol.
My favourite is the Jagermonster but I just wasn’t feeling the Jager tonight.

Application Status

2006-05-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

Program
Faculty Of Arts, B.A., Hons. English

Session
Fall/Winter 2006

Decision
Reviewed - unsuccessful - Insufficient Academic Preparation

Next Steps
Go somewhere else, probably somewhere better, get fancy piece of paper complete with my name/official stamp of the better school, use paper to land less crappy job for a while, publish book written while attending said better school, influence young minds, get invited to come to York as a guest speaker at some fancy shindig, flip them off, laugh for a while whilst sipping brandy in my tree fort in the woods.

will work for money

2006-05-13T05:44:00.000-07:00

Person: “Oh, you’re unemployed?”

Me: “Yeah, only for a few weeks now though.”

Person: (in their head) “Wow, I’m better than you. Yessss.”

Me: “Fuck right off, I’m on vacation.”
And then “I should probably get a new job.”
Followed by “You can still fuck off though.”

That was also all said in my head.

What’s with our need to define ourselves through such unrepresentative means?

I don’t really like to talk about myself.
I don’t really like to sell myself.
I like to come into the conversation at the halfway point, where everybody else already knows who I am and I never have to impress anyone or let them down and they just accept me as is and then we move on and discuss cool ideas and write stories together.

Yeah, universal acceptance and appreciation would be sweet.
A little awe would be nice too, but only sometimes.

what's a job?

2006-05-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

This seems like as good a time as any to let out a little secret I’ve been keeping from the world.

I’m pretty much a nerd.

Not in the awesome “can code php and html and java and c++++++++ in the blink of an eye to create mind-bending websites” way though.
I’m learning slightly, but obviously not fast enough or else working on my corporate website wouldn’t be taking so long and I’d be spending more time here.

Nope, I’m more of a video game playing, book reading nerd who enjoys things that are clever or ironic.
I like to fly kites and ride bikes and lie down in the middles of fields to look at the stars.
I prefer sitting to standing, especially if it’s cross-legged in the middle of the sidewalk/hallway/doorway.

Apparently I’ve been looking forward to the release of Final Fantasy Advent Children in North America for more than a year now and I’ve been to the video store three times since Friday hoping they’d have a copy in and today they did and I watched it and was happy.

I don’t even know if it was really any good, but it brought back memories and that’s always a good time.
I’m already enjoy nostalgia at twenty-one.
I’m not sure that’s a good sign.

a second unveiling

2006-05-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

So I’ve really been pushing this upcoming announcement recently.
It’s been a bit of a laugh. I’ve had a good time building up hopes and dreams and doing my best to pique your curiosity.

But I guess I knew it couldn’t last forever.
Eventually I’d have to pull through with some big news or else some feelings would get hurt. So the suspense is going to come to an end. Right now…

…as I introduce you to my shiny new company and then set it free into the jungle of commerce and information that is the Internet.

We’re called Pinned.
We make buttons.
We sometimes talk in the third person for legal reasons.

Come check us out at www.pinned.ca and help us fulfill our goal of hegemonic world domination. Through buttons.

behind the scenes

2006-05-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

A funny thing about suspense:
It’s all about expectation.

A funny thing about accomplishment:
It’s a very subjective feeling.

A funny thing about subjectivity:
It’s everywhere.

Are you ready?

i hope it is windy

2006-04-29T14:22:00.000-07:00

If I had an enemy, I might make it tequila.
But the feud between us wouldn’t last because we’d just have a good chat, and share a couple of orange slices and become best friends. Then we’d fall in love as tends to happen with best friends of a compatible nature and everything would just fall into place from then on out.
I never seem to be able to maintain proper enemy relationships.
Except for with gravity.
And friction.
And a few other laws of physics.
Oh, and vodka.

But yeah, thanks again all, for the birthday wishes and such.
Tomorrow should be a good celebratory time, so if I haven’t sent you a personal invitation and you think I should have, give me a shout and I’ll fix that.

In the meantime, here is the map I drew for the event…

Also, I’m keeping the suspense going.
Sorry, Spo, not spilling it yet.
I will give everybody a hint though:
I’m not pregnant.

thank you everyone

2006-04-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

That’s right.
Yesterday was my birthday and I had a good day.
The lady at the grocery store told me I looked happy and that I was going to infect them all so I smiled some more and paid with debit because I don’t own much in the way of tangible currency. A long time ago it was brought to my attention that money doesn’t actually exist, and that meant that even if my wallet was full, it was still pretty much empty and so eventually I gave up on carrying the wallet around too.

Also, there will be celebratory festivities this weekend, so if you live in Ontario, and you’re going to be anywhere near the town of Brampton on Saturday evening, give me a shout and I’ll send you some details.

Oh, the big announcement?
That wasn’t it.
That will happen before the weekend is out.

still too early

2006-04-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

Pfft.

Not tonight.
Come on, nobody goes on the internet at three in the morning on a Monday.
That's pretty lame.

(awkward silence)

Oh right.

Feel free to come pick me up and take me somewhere fun.
Or just come back later for the announcement.
Did I mention it's big?

it's too early

2006-04-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

You may have heard some rumours and some of them are true.

The one that said I had a big announcement to make tonight was not.
I'm sorry if you're disappointed.
Rumours have a way of letting people down like that sometimes.

To cheer you up, I'm going to let you in on a secret.
I really do have a big announcement to make.
Just not tonight.

It's good though.
Probably even worth waiting for.

happy today today

2006-04-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something but it seemed like it might be long and take way too much effort and you'd probably have gotten bored by the end of it anyway.
So I pre-emptively shortened it.
Mostly for you.
And a bit for me.
Because tonight is all about appreciating the little things.
Like teamwork perhaps.

I also drew this picture of a clown, but it's scary so you should only look if you like evil looking clowns and are not terrified of them.

to the sky

2006-04-16T03:26:00.000-07:00

Here’s what I have…

No job
No money
No cigarettes
Nowhere to go

I should have made that a list of what I don’t have.
I am however, all dressed up and more than slightly intoxicated.
It’s three-seventeen in the morning.
I called Pretty Girl A and she is sleeping so I guess my only real options are a walk or a bike ride. Again, I have no cigarettes or cigars or anything of the sort, but fuck it. Let’s go look at the stars.

just to clarify

2006-04-14T03:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have to apologize to you.
At the end of my last post I may have led you to believe that I held the key to building a time machine and that’s just not true.
Yes, I do have a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden, but physics still apply and I’m no Superman.
When I asked if you wished you could see the show yourself and then said I’d see what I could do, I was alluding to the fact that a friend of mine happened to own an mp3 player which may or may not have been used to bootleg the majority of the show.
Now hypothetically, if we did record the show, and if it did turn out to be half decent in quality, then in theory I could rip it to my computer and make a few cds for a few special people who e-mail me their addresses.
So we’ll see what happens when my friend, let’s call her Pretty Girl A, plugs her player into her computer. I’ll let you know if she finds anything on there and if it’s worth listening to.

Tonight As I Lay Dying put on a solid performance but I think Thrice may have stolen the show away from them. Maybe.

I bought Owen Pallet’s “Has a Good Home” last night and it was scratched and two of the songs won’t play but I don’t want to go back to the store so if anyone else out there has the album and would like to e-mail them to me then I would like to be your friend and I will hang out with you and probably give you a button to say thanks.

Finally, I’ve developed a set of rules for meeting fellow bloggers in real life, because after having met some for the first time yesterday, it occurred to me that some guidelines might have been helpful.

a) Talk. No really, say something. Don’t just say “Hi! I’m (insert name here).” and then give them stuff and then run away.

b) Actually, that’s pretty much it.

My apologies Raymi and Fil, I should have thought of that sooner.
Apparently I’m not so good at the whole human interaction thing anymore.
I blame the fact that I’ve worked a night shift for the past couple of years and never really bother to talk to anyone I don’t know,
Or maybe it was because Raymi was all in the corner smoking with a don’t fuck with me stare and Fil is like seven feet tall.
Either way, it was nice meeting the two of you and if I run into you again I’ll make up for it with a drink and a proper conversation. Or more buttons.

and one happy thing

2006-04-13T04:24:00.000-07:00

It is about Matthew Good, the lovable musician who lives in Vancouver and has been producing incredible music for the last decade or so. He is alive. Very much so.
I know this because I just saw him put on the best show I’ve ever seen him play, and I’ve seen him play more than a few times in more than a few places.
I may be a little biased though, because

a) I’m a sucker for the acoustic
b) he played Symbolistic White Walls
c) he played Symbolistic White Walls

Anyway, I forget why I was basing the format of this post on the last one so I’ll stop that now.
Instead I’m going to show you a picture.

Wasn’t that awesome?
Didn’t he look stylish in his pin-striped suit?
Don’t you wish you could somehow go back in time and see the show yourself?

Don’t worry, I’ll see what I can do about that.
No seriously.
But for now I’ve already said too much.

i have one sad thing to mention

2006-04-13T03:51:00.000-07:00

It is about Zed, the lovable chameleon who has lived in my bedroom for the past several years. He is dead. It happened sometime between Tuesday April eleventh and Wednesday April twelfth, and it is believed his death was caused by

a) a strange lump that developed on his snout about a year ago
b) the fact that he started refusing to eat some time ago
c) a combination of a and b

Anyway, it’s a sad situation and I’d prefer not to talk about it.

the day that colin got fired

2006-04-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

It was in the second week of April that it happened, on the same day in fact, that Colin painted the stairwell of his parent’s house. Some people saw this as a strange and wonderful coincidence, but not Colin. He’d just gotten fired, what else was he supposed to do with his time?
It all started with an innocent day at work. It was more of an evening actually. Colin worked from four-thirty to midnight every Monday to Friday at a big building a few blocks away from his house, where he spent his time typing numbers into a computer and trying to avoid having to talk to anyone. Colin was just getting over some kind of crazy throat/lung infection that had been bothering him for the past week, but he was happy and optimistic about the future. This week was going to be a short week because not only was it the Easter long weekend, but he also had two vacation days coming up, and two concert tickets that were going to make a five day weekend of musical awesomeness. Yes, everything on the near horizon was looking quite peachy.
Peachy, until he was filling up the photocopier and said hello to one of his bosses as they walked past.

“Your hat. Take off your hat.” Said his boss.

“Oh, fuck right off.” Thought Colin.

Colin finished with the photocopier and went back to his desk to work whilst wearing his hat and ignoring his boss’ pointless request. This went well for about half an hour, until Colin’s work took him into his boss’ field of vision. Again she told his to remove his hat.

“How about you pretend I’m not wearing a hat, and I pretend it doesn’t bother you.” Suggested Colin with a smile before going back to work.

Some more time passed, and one of Colin’s coworkers went to Tim Horton’s to pick up some coffees. It got a little bit busier, but Colin didn’t mind, because he was very efficient at his job, having worked there for more than two and a half years. Colin was just about to file some folders away when his boss walked up again.

“I told you to take off your hat.” She said.

Colin sighed.

“I’ve told you three times.” She continued.

Colin looked up.

“Alright, listen, I know you’re always telling me to take off my hat. The thing is, I was always kind of taken aback and never got to ask you a really important question. Why?” Asked Colin.

“We’ve already discussed this, we’re in an office and that’s not appropriate attire.” She said.

“Yeah, but why? Why does it matter? We work an evening shift, it's not like we have customers coming in. The only other people here are you guys over there, the guys on the dock wearing jeans and bandanas, and a bunch of truck drivers who are probably not interested in whether or not I'm wearing a hat. It just doesn't make any sense. It’s not about style, it’s about functionality. It keeps my hair out of my eyes and away from my face.”

Colin was getting a little frustrated.

“I’m done talking about this and I’m not going to keep telling you. Take it off.” She threatened.

“Look, what’s going to happen if I say no, and keep wearing it?” He asked.

“I could send you home for the night and you could not come back tomorrow.” She answered.

Now at this point it should be mentioned that Colin doesn’t appreciated being threatened. He views office politics as a waste of time and prefers to just come to work and do his job, and do it well because anything else is pretty much a waste of time. He mostly ignores it when other people say stupid things.

So it should come as no surprise that he replied, “Fair enough.” and proceeded to finish up what he was doing, log off his computer, and start to get his things together.

The end.

i’ll be back when i’m not contagious

2006-04-06T01:28:00.000-07:00

If I were to tally up everything I’ve done this week I’m pretty sure I could do it all on one hand. Unless I was counting the hours I’ve spent in bed. Then I’d need to use both my hands and feet and a couple of five fingered volunteers as part of my demonstration.
A good thing about being sick is that pretty friends bring you soup and movies and juice and love. A bad thing is that you suddenly have all this free time but all you want to do is curl up into a ball and wish that the rest of the world would go away.
There are some other bad things too I think.

i am colin's long weekend

2006-03-31T14:54:00.000-08:00

"We used to clone famous people with bodies, but they kept on trying to escape, so now we mostly just clones heads and sometimes asses."

That is my quote from some guy in the future who may or may not run the best damn cloning shop in town. No one will know his real name but they’ll all call him Dr. Fantastic because he creates such fantastic celebrity asses for ass-grafting and also his famous people heads make great conversation pieces.

He’ll run a commercial during the superbowl featuring a self-composed rap about cloning, and it’ll go something like this,

i’m Doctor Fantastic
i’ll make you go spastic
‘cause my asses ain’t plastic
bounce back like elastic

yo yo yo
be just like Jlo
that booty be shakin’
no one knows you be fakin’

etc

I’m done for now.

just to be clear

2006-03-26T04:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Pretty Girls,

You’re pretty and that’s awesome.
I like you, keep it up.

love Colin

PS I drew you this bee for you.

Oh, also,

Dear Psycho Girls,

Please refrain from being crazy around me.
It confuses me and I don’t like it.
Don’t make me feel uncomfortable.

I appreciate your compliance,

Colin

drunk without drinking

2006-03-21T06:10:00.000-08:00

It’s the way your brain goes on and off whenever it feels like it.
Click, beep, flashing light, switch.
It’s some kind of self-defence mechanism that kicks in because when your mind is running and doing what you’d think it’s supposed to do, it does it at a rate that’s a hundred times faster than is healthy. There’s all these thoughts just flying through your head all at the same time like your mind is a corridor that leads from the beginning to the end and you’re standing in an open doorway somewhere in the middle watching them go. There’s too many to really figure out what each of them means, but every once in a while one catches your attention because it’s moving faster or slower or sparkles just right in the fluorescent lit hallway. Of course, this is all happening within a split second of rational thought so it makes you look twitchy. When the thoughts really start moving, they trip all over each other and turn really red and then start riots and that’s when everything shuts down and door clicks shut. So you’re back to normal. You call it normal because it’s during this time that you’re thinking, “What the fuck was that?” That makes it your base state. You spend your normal time being confused because life is confusing when you aren’t thinking about anything other than how messed up it us. Then the beeping starts up. It’s not even really a beep, more like a klaxon sounding some kind of alert, an all hands on deck kind of thing. Then the light above the door flashes. Red, yellow, green, and it swings open again and everything is colourful and interesting and pretty much all-consuming for a while.

i spell it with an e

2006-03-18T06:42:00.000-08:00

I wore a green suit jacket to work today.
I was going to wear it out to the bar afterwards to meet some friends but it was already twelve-thirty when I got home and one girl was already sick and had gone off to bed, causing the other girl to come pick me up to get dinner instead of drinking. She told me the jacket made me look like a leprechaun and I shouted that was the point and then I felt bad and took it off.
Then she ruined my life by putting sugar or sweetener in my drink so I chewed up a bunch of french toast and bacon and opened my mouth to show it to her.
I told her to buy me a shot of whiskey and she said okay so then I said buy me five and she said no.

somewhere different

2006-03-15T01:12:00.000-08:00

Applications for school were out quite some time ago.
My transcripts however, were late to follow, leaving me with a bit of time to wait on a definitive response still.
I forget whether I mentioned that I applied before now.
Probably not. Doesn’t seem like anything worth saying until I hear back.
I won’t bore anyone with the details of where I applied or for what, but I will let you in on a secret.
There’s one place I want to go to more than the rest and it’s the furthest one away and if I get in then I might finally take my first trip out to see what an ocean looks like when it’s not on a television screen or in a photograph.
It’s all kind of up in the air still though because

a) as I said, I haven’t been accepted yet
b) I can’t actually afford to go anyway
c) my whole life is always up in the air
d) I like it like that

I don’t really want to give in and go into debt, so I’m going to work on coming up with a ~~scam~~ ~~scheme~~ ~~ploy~~ legitimate plan that will allow me to spend the next couple of years rolling around in an enormous pile of money and gold and shiny shiny diamonds.
I have one thing in the works, but it really is a legitimate business plan so I'm not counting on it to make me rich.

like happy

2006-03-10T05:42:00.000-08:00

It smelled outside today. Like rain.
I like the rain almost as much as I like the colour green.
It does everything and it does it just for you and it doesn’t charge admission.
It hits every sensory trigger at the same time and leaves you somewhere in your mind alone and on overload.
It fits into every context, be it complementary or ironic and it’s never at fault.
If we could make it rain for money, then thunderstorms would be the new addiction of choice. Forget sex, forget alcohol.
Just go outside and let the rain pour down. Let its drumming be the only sound you hear next to your heart beating. Try to catch every lightning strike head on and never ever blink. Hold on to the afterburn as long as you can and hope that it doesn’t fade away before the thunder hits.
Nothing should ever have to fade away alone.

i woke up today eventually

2006-03-05T05:19:00.000-08:00

And then the surpassment of my expectations ensued.
So much so that I was inclined to make up words.
Yes I’m talking about People in Planes.
Some of you may remember them from the other day.
You know, when I was telling you how good they are.
The rest of you may not have heard because we’ve never met.
Seems like we should fix that.
For now though, just go listen to If You Talk Too Much My Head Will Explode.

noodle paint

2006-03-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

Alright, the interview is over and done, and I’d like to start off by saying I probably didn’t get the job. I’m not bitter or anything, the interview didn’t exactly go well. It started with them asking me as a question, not an offer, if I wanted the job, to which I shrugged and said “I wouldn’t mind it.” This led to me spending the rest of the interview thinking about how I didn’t really want this job, or my current job, or any other foreseeable occupation anytime in the near future. When they asked me what one of my weaknesses was I essentially said I have authority issues. Good one.

The worst part was when they told me there had been a marked improvement in my work over the last week. You know, since I started dressing in more than a t-shirt and khakis. I mentally started banging my head against the desk when they said it.
Later on during the night I went up to one of my bosses and told her that the only things that had changed over the last week were my clothes. She replied that she’d noticed other things as well and mentioned that she saw me helping another department the other day when they were busy. I repeated that I’d been doing the same thing I always do. She said something else but I think I’d stopped listening because I was bored and in my head I just kept going doo doo doo doo-doo doo-doo bullshit, doo doo doo doo-doo doo-doo-doo.

I have this problem where I live way too much in my head and not nearly enough in that other world where I have to eat and sleep and actually talk to other people and it’s not a problem I’m going to fix by waking up at three in the afternoon everyday, working at a monotonous office job, then going home and staying up all night. By myself.
It’s going to turn me into a twitchy agoraphobic pile of boringness and my skin will go all white from lack of sun and my eyes will get really big, or maybe they’ll disappear altogether like those fish who live deep inside underwater caves. I’ll probably forget how to talk and rely solely on the clackety clack or zeros and ones to keep me going. Except I won’t be able to read the screen with non-existent cavefish-man eyes. Maybe I’ll just sit there and tap out morse code/block rockin’ beats on a rusty can of paint until my hands fall off or I get lockjaw.

Matty Good tickets are in the mail and I'm hoping Yeah Yeah Yeahs tickets may also find their way into my pocket if I can convince anyone else to come along.

office politics are a waste of time

2006-02-28T06:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve kind of been breaking the rules lately. I’ve been talking about work.
I’ve been doing this journal thing for a while now and I think that’s the first time it’s really happened. To be fair, the only reason I brought it up in the first place was that I was offended and the only reason I’m still talking about it is because it’s become somewhat of an experiment.
That’s right, it’s psychology time. Or sociology time. Or maybe a bit of both.

I managed to resist the urge to be stubborn and do the complete opposite of what I was told to do.
Instead, I’m doing exactly what they asked. Only I’m taking it further.
Not only have I stopped wearing a hat, I’ve adopted an entirely new personal dress code involving a strict regiment of slacks and button-down collared shirts. I wear dress shoes that match my belt and I top it off with a fancy jacket/coat.
You want office attire? I’ll give you office attire to the fucking extreme. I’ll give you office attire until you scream and cry or do both at the same time. Don’t mess with me. I'll take you out with some sort of reverse irony.

So what do I hope to learn from this little exercise?
I want to see if dressing all fancy-like will get me further with this company in a week than working hard and being damn good at my job has gotten me in two and a half years. This’ll only work if I can keep it together all week though.
Chances are pretty good I’m just going to end up going on a “clothes don’t make a person who they are” tirade and them tell my boss she’s doing an awful job and that the little man I made out of paperclips would be a better office manager than her.

They should have saved themselves a lot of trouble and just let me keep my hat.

can't move staying still

2006-02-27T05:15:00.000-08:00

blindfold me and lead me to a full tank of gas
i'll give you a hug and we'll go for a ride
we can sing along to the radio and make up our own words
i'll drive you to the sunset
but it might take a while
it went down hours ago

I drove two hundred and fifty kilometres for a bagel tonight.
Sometimes it's nice to be on your own.

no sir

2006-02-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

My hat has been banned.
My bandana has been banned.
Any other type of headwear has been banned.
I asked my boss if I could wear little pink ribbons to hold my hair back.
She said it would be fine if I was a girl but would not be appropriate office attire for me.

There is to be no more internet access of any kind in my office, which is a shame because I rather enjoy e-mail.
I can no longer bring in headphones to help keep me smiling to myself all day.
She is also working on having the office radio removed so no one else has any music either.
We had a meeting where she outlined several things I should think about before my supervisor position interview next week. I came away slightly confused because her position involved taking people away from doing their work and making them do other people's for them. I agree with her ideas of eliminating departmental barriers and crosstraining people to create a multipurpose task force that can handle any situation because we have a different workload each day. I don't agree with crosstraining only a few people, making them do twice the workload of anyone else, but paying them the same wages.
I also don't agree with taking your best employees and picking on them for little things like wearing a hat to keep their hair back.
It rather kills morale.
I wanted to get the supervisor position so I could help keep all the employees happy and maybe get suggestions from them on how to improve our efficiency because I'm smart enough to know that people work harder when they feel like their opinions count.
Now I'm thinking about withdrawing my application.
I used permanent marker on my arms though, and I doubt it'll wash off tomorrow.
I won't have to make the decision if they make it for me when I come in wearing a t-shirt.
In the meantime, I should find a way to keep my hair out of my eyes at work. I'm thinking glitter covered butterfly clips or a ponytail.

If you have any better ideas, give me a shout before 16:00 Friday night.
Time to have some fun.

seventy-five percent successful

2006-02-23T01:06:00.000-08:00

I've decided I am somewhat reliable. You can count on me to help you out in a bind because that’s how I swing. You should probably also count on me being about ten minutes late, but don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging.
As for being responsible, you could rely on me to water your plants, but probably shouldn’t trust me to watch your kids. A lot of kids smell whereas plants are pretty quiet.
Also, if I like you, I will do anything to make you smile.

Yesterday my boss told me I couldn’t wear a hat at work anymore.
Today I wore a bandana around my head, ninja style.
Tomorrow I’m going to wear a tie around my head, ninja style.
Friday maybe I’ll wear some pantyhose around my head, ninja style.

Any other suggestions are welcome.

rice is better krispy

2006-02-22T03:25:00.000-08:00

I just heard Gary Jules' version of Mad World coming out of my television and I wasn’t watching Donnie Darko.

Things out of context are confusing.

So tomorrow I have to do four things.

1.Drive a pretty girl to the bus station.
2.Go to the post office.
3.Return an empty keg.
4.Go to work.

Here’s how my day could go wrong.
I could sleep in, disappoint the girl, feel bad and play guitar all day instead, then call in sick to work as to free my evening for a long bout of depression.

Here’s how my day could go right.
I could wake up to a phone call from the girl, be happy. Then I could drop her off and she could blow me a kiss as she walks away. Then I can go straight to the beer store because the keg will magically already be in the back of my car, after which I can hop on over to the post office down the street. Since I’ll have been extra efficient, I’ll still have time to shower and play guitar before I even have to think about leaving for work.
Then I’ll just drink lots of caffeine to make the next eight hours go back in a dilated blur of keyboard strokes.

Oh, the other way it could go wrong would be if at any point I stopped and realized that I really have far more than four things to do, so I’m going to try really hard not to think too much all day.

canadian music week

2006-02-21T12:40:00.000-08:00

I mentioned I got my hair cut the other day.
I stand by that decision, and plan to get it cut again someday.
What I didn’t tell you was that on Sunday I had the awesome idea of shaving off what little facial hair I had. And with it went my dignity.
Thanks a lot beer.
Now I look like I’m twelve, so no photos for a while.

My People in Planes tickets just came in the mail too. I don’t know why you don’t have yours yet. At ten dollars apiece, the band is practically paying you to come see their show.
It’s at the Mod Club aka the place where the pretty girls are.
It’s on March 4th.
It’s going to be a blast.

Also you might run into me there and then you can get all excited and buy me a drink and if I like you maybe I’ll give you a button.

irrestructible

2006-02-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I woke up a couple of times.
But then, I also went back to bed a couple of times.
So I guess you could say I didn’t really wake up at all.

diet is for anorexics

2006-02-19T03:28:00.000-08:00

Stop it.
Stop spinning. Auto spelling correction is awesome.
Where’s my dr pepper? I thought I had gatorade somewhere.
Dammit, I just spilled it everywhere.
Why am I on my computer?
This is ridunkulous.
Oh yeah, I met up with three of the hottest girls in my hometown tonight.
They had names.
Katherine, Justine and Laura.
One is kind of my sister, one is kind of my kind of ex-girlfriend sorta, and one is just a hot girl. I’ll let you figure out which is which.
I’d put up pictures, but that would be misleading, so all you have to go on is their names.
My arm is itchy.
Hold on.
Okay, better.
I think Zed is dying ‘cause he hasn’t wanted to eat anything for like two weeks and he’s looking not so good.
I think he has eye cancer. No, for real.
I’m pretty bummed out about it.
Let’s talk about something else.
Let’s talk about cars.
Or the jingle of a dog’s collar.
J’s and I’s look weird next to eachother.
I like my cough syrup with pepper and somebody better be getting this or else I’m just wasting my time.
Good night all, have a fantastic Sunday morning.

leaving messages in the snow

2006-02-18T03:51:00.000-08:00

Every day I get a little bit closer to coming to terms with some things.
Other things? Not so much.
I still don’t really see how our world is here at all and I haven’t found much of a purpose for any of it. Maybe it’s just designed to make a lot of noise and light up the big black void all around us. Maybe we’re just here to look pretty to someone else really far away.
Maybe one day I’ll turn out the lights. Every last one, until we disappear back into the sky where we belong. I wonder where we’ll be then? Still here, but will here have lost its significance? Spinning in circles, all alone, surrounded on all sides by the endless night. If no one else can see us, we won’t really be there at all. Or maybe that’s when it becomes our turn to watch.
So we’ll wait and wonder. We’ll watch and we’ll listen. We’ll see the stars go out one by one and we’ll know that we’re a little less alone because now someone else is alone too and we’ll all be by ourselves together. We’ll wonder how many others are out there hiding in the shadows. We’ll wonder how many more lights have to go out before it’s finished. We’ll wonder what comes next. Just like we did before. Only we’ll be a little quieter this time around.

i can't hear much either

2006-02-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

A while ago I decided that I don’t really like talking to people.
Today I decided to mostly stop.
The following is a list of whom I will still carry on a conversation with…

friends
family members
girls
old people
animals
people I’ve never met before
inanimate objects
myself

Also, I cut my hair.
Until last week it looked like this:

It’s shorter now.
You know, ‘cause that’s how hair cuts work.

i am the leftover keg

2006-02-12T04:09:00.000-08:00

i’m still about a third full
or two thirds empty
it depends on how you play the game
either way i’ve still got a lot to give
but it’s late
and you’re tired
you don’t need me any more
i built you up
i made you feel good
good enough to find someone else
were they rich?
were they bold?
did they have a fancier label?
i can’t say i’m sorry
you’ve made it quite clear
that while i’m slightly chilled
your heart is ice cold

twnety-one is also a good song

2006-02-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

One of the most generous people I know lent me her MP3 player the other day.
See? This is why I like girls. They’re pretty and stuff too. They’re mostly the best things to happen since nineteen eighty-five.

Anyway, I screwed up loading it up with music so I spent a whole day at work listening to the same four songs over and over.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
People In Planes - If You Talk Too Much My Head Will Explode
The Cranberries - Zombie

That wasn’t a complaint.
It was awesome.

So another friend’s birthday is coming up.
His name is Jeev.
Happy Birthday Jeev.

I think I’m making you a funnel. It might just be a coincidence where it happened to be your birthday just as I was thinking about making a funnel. Either way, it will be the funnel to end all funnels.

I’ve already named it, but it’s a surprise.

i am a penny in the middle of the highway

2006-02-03T05:05:00.000-08:00

i’m not quite so shiny anymore
but I would clean up nicely
if you put me in a cup
and poured vinegar on top of me
i don’t really recommend it though
i have character
you’d need a hundred of me to make a dollar
but I’m worth more than you’ll ever know
because I’m the luckiest penny in the world
chances are no one will ever find that out though
anyone curious enough to try
will probably get hit by a car

i am a particular shade of green

2006-02-02T03:58:00.000-08:00

the colour you get when you take two glasses
one of powerade
flavour Berry Blitz
and one of imitation Red Bull
the uninspirational Red Rain
then mix them together
creating the caffeinated hybrid of champions
and the harbinger of heart attacks

the writing on the side
says two cans a day
no more than four
says the man behind the curtain

i am a cobra commander action figure

2006-02-01T02:10:00.000-08:00

look what solar radiation has done to my cape
there was a time when it was red
red with fiery anger
red with the blood of my enemies
this cape was worn in the halls of the mighty
and made joe’s turn tail and run
the sun has diminished its glory
and turned it a pale shade of pink

the bad guys always lose in the end

i am a telephone

2006-01-31T01:12:00.000-08:00

when you try to talk through me
i take all your words
and play with them for hours
like super nintendo
or eat them
one by one
like candy
then i make up my own
better than yours
and send them out the other end

beep

beep

beep

this is not a weekly venture

2006-01-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

This is not it. This is not where we’re at.
That’s the beauty behind my walls.
It’s why we keep quiet.
It’s why we stay still.
It’s why we’re okay for now.

The walk home is cold this time of year.
Without alcohol it’s not even an option.
With alcohol it still makes you angry when you’re alone.

The bushes that line the sidewalk are frozen in ice.
The trees have all seen better days.
Don’t try to hit them to let go of the rage.
It hurts.
Let them be, they’re shiny and sparkle in the moonlight.
Just like you wish you could.

Temporarily trapped, but by choice and design.
It’s all a part of your plan.
Time is a ridiculous concept, but you’re good at waiting by now.

Don’t forget.
It’s only for a little while longer.

I've been delayed before.

happy belated birthday flu

2006-01-15T04:23:00.000-08:00

I’ve been happy pretty much all the time lately.
I don’t really know what that’s all about.
Doesn’t really matter so long as it stays around a while.

Wasn’t a big fan of the club tonight though. Last weekend started off with Flu, the number twenty-one, and a two point five foot tall champagne glass. I was stoked before I even showed up and everything was shiny.
I drank beer out of my sleeve at the bus stop and on the subway and I’m pretty sure I looked at least three quarters retarded but in my head I was hilarious. Lee’s Palace was great, beer was cheaper than water and I loved everyone around me. I danced like only a drunken white boy can dance and not once did I feel self conscious because all the prettiest girls in the bar came there with us.
I didn’t feel like I had to make conversation because all I had to do was smile and people would smile back and they would mean it.

Tonight was the Phoenix instead and I love the Phoenix because they play Tool and Goldfinger and I’m pretty sure I heard Brand New but I still wasn’t so happy.
I don’t pick up pretty girls at clubs. I come with pretty girls. Tonight I came with two of them and a guy who is my hero because he jumps off bridges. The problem was that even though they’re pretty and can dance and laugh a lot, I just spent a whole night being some stupid kid that I don’t like because it’s a cover for being shy and now I feel like I could’ve had more fun as myself and who the fuck is still shy when they’re twenty?

I have the most fun with people that know me enough to know that if I’m happy, I only talk when I need too.

Also, dancing with people I don’t know is not something I’m good at and girls have it easy because all they have to do is look good and they’re set for the night.
I don’t belong on the dance floor and the company of strangers is overrated and I’m done for now.

he ate us

2006-01-10T04:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry kids, I didn't realize I'd been gone for so long.
I'll be back soon-time-ish.
I miss you, say hi to your mom.

love Colin

no fruit was harmed in the making of this film

2006-01-03T04:23:00.000-08:00

I have a story and it goes like this…

There once was a boy who wanted to go somewhere new and work at living and learning and trying to figure out what he’s supposed to make of this huge mess of a world. He wanted to be able to do something that was his idea because that way he could happily answer to no one except himself and the lightning bolts that followed him around from the sky. First he thought he should probably go to one of those big learning houses and he thought he knew what to go for so he did, but then he changed his mind a bit after a year because it didn’t feel like the right thing. He didn’t want to give up just yet though, because realistically, he’d only tried one thing and there a there are lots and lots and lots of things out there. Someone told him so once. So he decided to try and evening bigger learning house and set his mind to filling out some papers so they would let him in. Then he stopped and put it off for a bit. Then he put it off a bit longer. Then he only had two weeks left before they wouldn’t let him in any more so one day he woke up bright and early just to take care of it with a few points and clicks. That’s when the internet stopped liking him. Try as he might, he just couldn’t make it go to the place he needed it to go. It went other places, but that just distracted him for a while. He tried and tried, but eventually decided it just wasn’t going to happen. So he put it off for another week. Then he came home one night at four something in the morning feeling all happy and motivated and turned on him computer to do it for real. Now time. So he went to the place he was supposed to go and it worked okay until it didn’t and told him that the place was closed or out of service or something until the next day. That’s when the boy had a profound and life changing revelation. He realized that the internet hates him.
And also that he should probably stop doing everything at the last minute.

i smell a trend

2005-12-29T07:36:00.000-08:00

I'm busy.
Everybody's busy.
I'm not really busy, I just probably should be.
I could list some things off that I have to do but I won't.
That's not the point of this experiment
It's time to apply to school but the internet only wants to work for things that aren't important.
Maybe I'll go read a book because I'm busy.

i wrote you a story

2005-12-21T02:47:00.000-08:00

It’s called Colin had a pineapple once.

Colin had a pineapple once. It was born in the rainforest and its name was Jim. Colin was born in the city but one day he went to the jungle to make friends with a giraffe. It turns out that giraffes don’t live in the jungle but Colin had fun on the trip anyway because he got to see a monkey and he got to meet Jim. Colin and Jim became best friends and Jim liked Colin so much that he asked if he could go to the city and live with him. Colin said yes and they went back to Colin’s house.

Colin and Jim had lots of fun and played on the seesaw at the park and went to the zoo so they could both see a giraffe together.
Then it was Monday again and Colin had to go to work so he told Jim to be good and drove off. Later when he came home he found that while he was gone Jim had drunk all his beer and ate all his food and then called up all his old pineapple friends and had them come over to steal all of Colin’s stuff. Colin wasn’t happy. Fortunately, he suspected Jim was a bad pineapple because Jim talked in his sleep and Colin overheard his whole evil plan the night before. That’s why Colin had been sneaky and told Jim he was going to be home at two o’clock, when really he was home by midnight. So even though all his beer was gone, nothing else got stolen and now Colin had a house full of pineapples. He sold them to the grocery store and made back enough money to buy better beer but he didn’t sell Jim. He kept Jim because he wanted to teach him a lesson about honesty, so he ate him. When he was finished, Colin’s tongue started bleeding because Jim was full of lots of Bromelain and Bromelain breaks down protein, like in a ham. Colin forgot that his tongue was also made of protein and so in a way, Jim got the last laugh and showed Colin that capital punishment is not a good option. In another more accurate way, Colin got the last laugh because Jim was dead.

raymi the awesome

2005-12-18T02:07:00.000-08:00

I’m here in non-stick form today because sometimes that counts more and right now I want it to count the most so that when I tell you that you should read Raymi’s book, you’ll at least think about it.
I want you to listen when I tell you that Marketable Depression is a book by Raymi about Raymi. It doesn’t have heroes and villains and last minute changes of heart to save the day and if that seems boring to you then you should probably go back to reading fiction about dragons and conspiracies and rogue terrorist groups with stolen nuclear weapons.
This is not for you.
If you live in a pretend world where everything is all sunshine and happiness, and bad things only happen on the tv, you’re not going to get it. This book is honesty and you are not.
On the other hand, if at some point every day you close your eyes and look up and into your brain and think “Wow, we’re all fucked up. This is all fucked up.” then it’ll be a good read.
This book is real. Raymi is real. That's two good reasons to buy it right there.

friction:

2005-12-13T06:36:00.000-08:00

a rival of momentum and an old enemy of my own ambition.
You will be the second.
You’ve always been tricky. Sometimes you’re there, holding me back, and sometimes you vanish and send me headfirst into walls. You’re inconsistency is unpredictable and you seem to have complete disregard for the laws that you created and claim to represent..
That’s why you’ve got to go.
Still, I can’t help but wonder what could have been between us.
You could have kept things uniform. You could have kept me from going over the edge.
Why did you always disappear when things got slippery?
You had limits I suppose, and those limits led to envy.
It’s too bad I was bigger than you, but this world is bigger still, and I don’t need jealousy on my side.
Didn’t you know? I have no boundaries.

gravity goes first

2005-12-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

I’m inventing a new world where physics don’t apply.
When you trip on the stairs you won’t fall down, instead you’ll get super powers.
The best part is that there will be no lame superpowers like mind reading or the ability to shoot fireworks out of your finger like that Jubilee girl from X-Men. Jubilee was lame.
All the superpowers will be supercool things like flame-breath, or laser-eyes or ninja skills.
I’ll have all three because I’m clumsy. After the third fall though, I’ll get the ninja skills and then I’ll never fall down again. Ninjas always land on their feet.
There will be other superpowers too, but nobody will have more than three because they’ll always manage to end up being ninjas the third time around.

apparently it's long

2005-12-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

There once was a boy named Colin and he was twenty and a half years old.
Colin lived near the jungle, only not the kind of jungle with trees and vines and super intelligent monkeys. He lived near the kind of jungle made of flashing lights and shiny things. Every once in a while, Colin would leave hitch a ride on city run conveyance and take long and smelly trips to go see this wonderful place he’d heard so much about.
It was all fun and laughter and loud music, which is probably one of the reasons Colin can’t hear so well today. Mostly though, he stayed around home because he had to work and work and work. He had to work so much because he wanted to be able to live right in the middle of all the excitement one day.
Some time passed, but Colin still didn’t have enough money to move into even the smallest of the one-room basement apartments he saw in the newspaper. He did have enough money to stop working quite so much and start leaving home more though. So instead of saving more, he started spending more. He used most of his money but he got to ride on a train every day and he learned how to cook good tasting food.
Then came the summer. The summer saw some new lows for Colin. They weren’t real lows though, and they only happened because he tried to ignore them and he was looking the other way when they kicked him in the head. He was kind of dizzy for a while and his enemy, gravity, saw it as an opportunity to keep him down for good. It didn’t work though, because Colin can fly. It’s a rare talent possessed only by people who understand physics really well, or not at all. Colin never was really sure which one he is. Usually he tries not to think about it or else it stops working.
So the summer kept going, and it got better. Not long before the head-kicking, Colin had met a magic man who gave him a box with wheels that used explosions to fight friction and move really fast; much faster than Colin’s legs could take him. Colin and his wheel-box soon became best friends and went everywhere together. They went to the store, they went to the park, and they went to beaches but Colin is an insomniac so the beaches were closed sometimes. One time, Colin’s box got hit by another, stupider, box and got hurt a bit, but it was okay on the inside and Colin told his friend that it just added character. Also, there was enough room inside the box to hold lots of other people, so Colin got reacquainted with his friends who he hadn’t seen so much for a while.
The more places he went to, the more Colin realized how big the world is, and he wanted to see it all, but then it was the fall again so he had to put it off for a bit. Colin was excited now because soon he was going to start visiting the jungle every day again to learn how to cook even better. Everything was set except a mean lady on the phone told Colin he couldn’t come back because he hadn’t done well enough the year before. This was news to Colin, as he thought he’d done quite well, but the lady insisted that her computer said he hadn’t. Colin explained to her that his computer and the pieces of paper the cooking place had sent him in the mail disagreed. He told her she might want to check with her computer again to make sure it wasn’t lying to her. In the end it turned out that Colin was right because he’s awesome and the mean lady was not. Unfortunately, this phone call managed to set up a chain of events that resulted in Colin not wanting to learn how to cook anymore because the place where he went was apparently full of even more stupid people and they made things complicated when they should have been simple.
That is pretty much the end of the story for now, only not quite because that’s a sad way to end a story and the world hates sad endings even though it’s full of them. The world is dumb like that, but that’s old news. The real reason the story’s not done is because Colin is still Colin. His plans got exploded, but that tends to happen, so Colin got over it. Now he mostly just works and works and works again so that he can try out his old plan and move to the jungle next fall to read lots of books and write lots of words and cook lots of dinners, and maybe eat with someone else sometimes. So mostly he’s just waiting because he's good at waiting. Plus, since he realized how big everything really is, he has to take some time to decide whether to go to the same jungle, or a different one somewhere else, because apparently there are a lot of them and he’d kind of like to see some others.

keep spreading

2005-12-04T06:31:00.000-08:00

Those of you who have been coming here for a while may have noticed the snazzy new shiny things banner up above. If you didn't, stop reading here and look up.
Yes, that's right. Photoshop is old news. MsPaint is where the cool kids hang out.

And now, since I've nothing left to say, you should head on over to the Paper Dollhouse to see what resident Vancouverite Dolly is up to. It's probably craziness. Or sock puppets.

Remember, share the love.

look it up

2005-12-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

It's December, a month which as we all know is Latin for "spread the joy".

In this spirit, I cartoon-salute Randumb Drawings for being awesome.

You should go there. It's full of hilarity drawn by Triman, pictured above, on the right, under the pointing arrow and "Triman" label. He draws better than I do.

Go now.

staring at the sun

2005-11-28T05:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I sing, the words try to come out all wrong.
Maybe it’s for the better. The words probably know better than me where to go.

Some stars are brighter than others.
Some look dim because they’re shining most of their light somewhere far away.
Sometimes it’s cloudy and they go away for a while.
Sometimes they go out and we never know.
There are a lot of them out there. It’s hard to keep track of them all.
We all blink sometimes, and things change when our eyes are closed.
Sometimes we change too.

If you every want to make me happy, turn it into summer and tell me to look up.
If you want it to be perfect, surround me by trees first.
Take me away for a little while.
Take me away for a little while longer.

maintenant

2005-11-26T03:19:00.000-08:00

I will not live by your design.

Forget all that Friday night is the night to party and if you don’t party you’re lame bullshit.

I’m going to open your eyes to a whole new world where you don’t go out to the bar or the club or the neighbour kids street hockey game just because you’re too damn unimaginative to think of a new way to spend the evening.

I just ate the better part of a loaf of bread. It was awesome.

Now I’m going to make some lemonade from concentrate.
Then I’ll probably drink it.

I don't think I really care what I'm doing at any given time just so long as I feel I have a choice in the matter.

it's been a while

2005-11-22T05:59:00.000-08:00

There’s this girl I know.
Well, she’s not just this girl.
I know a few girls, and I’d like to know more. I like girls.
I don’t want to know all of them though. I hear some of them aren’t so nice.
The thing I’m trying to say is that I know some better than others.
And this girl? She’s the one I know the best.

The other day she got older.
She gets older every day, but she only counts the years.
Next years she’s going to run out of fingers and toes.

We were talking over drinks and under neon lights.
She asked me why I hadn’t created digital memories in the name of her special day.
I said that’s not how I work. She should know I’m always late.

Besides, in some way or another, she’s inspired more of my words than anyone.
Except maybe the stars, but she’ll be up there with them one day so that’s to be expected.

i want to live in a volcano

2005-11-21T04:45:00.000-08:00

There’s some suspicious activity in the suburbs tonight. My theory is that a bootleg cigarette franchise has taken this fair city by storm and there’s nothing we can do to stop them from taking over the world next.
That was a bit of an exaggeration.

This city isn’t that fair.

Still, I should’ve camped out at the scene for a while longer. Maybe gone and picked up some binoculars and a camera.

It could have been the start of my crime-fighting career.

Too bad bootlegging isn’t a real crime.

the red light feels like burning

2005-11-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

I didn’t make it to la grande ville de Montreal this weekend. I didn’t even start driving in its general direction. I also didn’t fly to Vancouver or get to see any cornfields flying by as I drove my van out west. Because I didn’t go anywhere.

You people are assholes.

Not you people. I like you people.

But you people. Yeah.

This is Evil Zed.

In my world, that was wordplay.
It was in context as I'm going to go watch a movie called the Man With the Screaming Brain and the chameleon's name is Zed.
I am hilarious.

learn dammit

2005-11-12T06:38:00.000-08:00

Seriously though, I give us another twenty years.

sometimes a stone is not a stone

2005-11-10T04:55:00.000-08:00

I’m sick, and apparently drippy. People are full of a lot of goo.

Today I grabbed a bottle of Coke that’s been rolling around in the back of my van and took it into work with me. An hour into my shift I opened it up and took a big gulp while thinking, “When’s the last time I bought Coke?”

Turns out I didn’t.

My buddy Jeev did though. On the way to the bar last weekend. As something to pour his Jack Daniel’s into.

I need to clean out my car.

el diablo esta la menta

2005-11-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

My friend Kat sent me this picture the other day. She’s the coolest.

I went out for another birthday tonight because that’s what November is all about. Local bar, lots of pool tables, the best waitress in the history of history, it was a good time.
The good thing about local bars is that you can pack a van full of people, then pick the car up the next day. Hopefully.
Jager was off the menu for good reason, so I sit here under the haze of beer and tequila, drinking Propel “Vitamin Supplement”, Gatorade’s newest endeavour, while eating discounted Hallowe’en candy.
Company would be nice, but that’s a given. With or without the drunk-awesome-ness, it’s always nice to have somebody.
Tonight however, it looks like it’s just me and the guitar. I’d play a sad song if I knew how.

drank himself hilarious

2005-11-05T03:57:00.000-08:00

“And then when I wrestled you to the ground and you were still bitching at me with your bitch-mouth, that was when I kicked you in the dick.”

I have a buddy named Kev.
It’s his birthday Monday.
Happy birthday Kev.

baking soda and robots

2005-11-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

My hair has grown long and semi curly on the outside. I think it’s growing on the inside too though, and slowly weaving it’s way back into the brain from whence it came and if I let it go much longer, it’s going to tap into the secret of reviving dead brain cells which sounds good on paper because I’d just keep getting smarter and smarter, but I’d start drinking nothing but whiskey because it wouldn’t matter how many cells I killed, and also my every action would be dictated by a democratically elected follicle named Jim.

This is what happens when you go for more than a year without taking scissors or trimmers or lightning bolts to your head. You start talking to everything like it’s sentient.

Another thing that happens is that people start calling you Stavros or saying that you look like Brandon Boyd but don’t worry, I’ll never grow a 'stache.

downside up

2005-10-31T00:27:00.000-08:00

It seems Jagermeister is not a balanced breakfast.

So much for that theory.

sharp all over

2005-10-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

If you run in obvious circles you look a fool.
If you walk a straight line you usually hit water.
The key to success is to always end up where you started, but to do so in a way that makes people think you’ve ended up somewhere else, or to convince them that trying to figure out you’re a fraud would be too much work.
It starts with figure eights and clover leafs, then loopy spirals and unconnected dots.
Eventually it leads to the self-correcting 180° and suddenly you’re jumping between black and white but everyone thinks that where you are is where you’ve always been.

Success can be overrated when we are the cost.

follow the gas head

2005-10-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

The other night was a happy night. Several of the other nights in fact. Odd how there’s often such a delay between the event and the realization of happy in my brain. I think my endorphins are on time delay. Maybe if I moved to BC they’d be more in sync with the rest of the chemicals in my brain.

Of all the happy stories I could tell, I’ve chosen just one for tonight.

There is no serial cat killer in my neighbourhood. There’s been some screeching and meowing and other very frantic cat noises at random intervals late at night.
So yeah, obviously, serial cat killer. It was the only reasonable explanation.
Until a few nights ago.
It’s late at night, I’m pulling into my driveway, listening to some Buck 65, which you should really check out ‘cause it’s like crack for your ears and brain and hands as you close your eyes and tap out the words on the steering wheel… what? Shit. Eyes open dammit! Open and following the beam of my headlights. What did I see?
Cats! Two of them! Fighting! Each other!
So I repeat, there is no serial cat killer in my neighbourhood.
Cats just like to kick the crap out of each other in the middle of the night.

encore times three

2005-10-16T03:48:00.000-07:00

Spotlights aren’t like stars. They don’t look down on the same place for very long. One might shine on the same person for more than a decade, but it won’t be shining on the same artist.

Here’s to you Matt Good.

Thanks for all the words.

skyshot

2005-10-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Lying on my back firing words up into the sky with a flash and a bang.
A little bit of me goes with them, and with it, the ability to defy friction, gravity, and seven other laws of physics.

I once thought momentum was my enemy, but that was a long time ago.
I learned that an exercise in futility can sometimes turn out to be anything but.
You should just accept it.

Tomorrow I’ll start waiting; waiting ‘till the day my words come back. It’ll probably take a while, they tell me the universe is a pretty big place. It’s bigger than me, this town, this country. It’s bigger than the lines we’ve drawn in the sand. It’s even bigger the ocean from what I hear. I couldn’t say, I’ve never seen the coast.

It doesn’t matter though, I know they’ll come back around ‘cause everything always does. You should just accept that too.

When the day comes, when they find their way back home, we’ll all know it, and I’ll be waiting.
So if you see me sitting in a lawn chair on top of my roof, drinking beer and talking to nobody in particular, you may want to tell someone that you love them and you’re sorry for all the trouble.
Then you’re gonna want to get closer for a better view, and when you see me reach up and put on some dark tinted shades, you might want to duck and cover.
Personally though, I recommend striking a heroic pose, ‘cause it’s not gonna matter once those flashes and bangs come rushing back home.
Either way it’s gonna be done.

ever

2005-10-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

The top ten unexplained mysteries of the aforementioned time period as according to the Discovery Network last night:

-crop circles
-life after death
-alien abduction
-spontaneous human combustion
-something else about aliens
-faith healing
-jesus
-monsters
-ghosts
-me

Yeah, I’m not so great with remembering boring lists, but it was something like that. Maybe they should have put a little more effort into finding more interesting mysteries to not explain at all for an hour. Except for spontaneous human combustion. That shit’s crazy.

You know what would be more interesting? How people dream about other people they’ve never met ‘cause it happens all the time and maybe just maybe those imaginary people aren’t just in your head. The world is a big place. Even more interesting that that would be when people dream specifically about me and I tell them the secrets of life and then they go swimming because even though I don’t like swimming I would love to know what kinds of things I said and if I actually said them or if it was just the random firing off of synapses in a sleeping girl’s brain.

Actually, you know what would be the greatest mystery of them all? Why I never sent out a birthday post to my other sister, you know the official one. The one who’s watched me grow up for two decades. The one I’ve occasionally looked up to when she wasn’t throwing pointy/heavy things at my head. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve played computerized imitations of Risk. Yeah, she’s pretty much the epitome of… something really awesome.

So why? Why didn’t she get a birthday post?

Oh yeah, it’s because she’s told me I have a big nose every single time I’ve seen her since I turned six. That’s why.

colin's day

2005-10-04T02:55:00.000-07:00

-woke up
-made pasta.
-ate pasta while watching a movie.
-went for midnight bike ride around suburbia including stop at grocery store for chocolate milk and an apple
-went home
-tied red bandana around forehead and pretended like I could play guitar better than I actually can for an hour
-realized bandana probably belongs to the dog, took it off
-thought about building some shelves, figure I can put it off ‘till tomorrow
-wait, it is tomorrow
-mondays can be great
-except I think I just heard a cat get run over outside

wild turkey in the vodka

2005-10-03T03:26:00.000-07:00

I just remembered, I was supposed to post last night.
Why you ask?

This classy girl right here:

It was her birthday and I was excited and was going to draw her a picture but I had no styli. From now on I only draw with styli. Or blood. Or finger-painting.

So here’s to the girl of awesome, with drink up and shades on in the dark, I wish you the world, ‘cause you’re the best little sister any kid could ask for.

colin explains religion

2005-09-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

When I die I want something awesome to happen where it turns out this whole thing was all some crazy scientific experiment in the future run by little balls of energy that used to be people like us only I’m one of them and everything I lived was just a dream I created in my little ball of energy mind and all the people and places were just ideas I had like in a video game where at the end the main character wakes up and he’s floating on a wooden board in the middle of the ocean wondering whether he just imagined it all but then a bird flies past overhead and it is whistling some song from the imaginary world and he realizes that it was kind of real even though it wasn’t and that the truth is that all that matters are the memories is his mind.

Failing that I want to be reincarnated as a website.

i'll come around

2005-09-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not always a shut-in.

I have lived, loved, and loved to live and I still do two of them on a regular basis, so don't get the wrong idea about my outlook on life.
In the end it's not about effort. When I'm feeling good, I'm feeling about as good as good can be. I'd probably always be doing great if it wasn't for my greatest enemy, friction, and my usual friend who occasionally stabs me in the back but then eventually makes it up to me later, circumstance.

Today I am circumstance's pawn.

So please forgive the lack of entertainment, and keep on dropping by because otherwise I might be funny again, oh so funny, and you might miss it.

a damn shame

2005-09-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

I got out and it was mostly fun and junk and full of ridiculous extravagance and unnecessary everything and will make a good story for some other time.

Some other time.

'Cause today I remembered that life happened.
And now I just want to stay in.

yeah

2005-09-23T04:01:00.000-07:00

I need to get out dammit.

Takers?

don't tell anyone

2005-09-19T03:11:00.000-07:00

Don’t think, I’ll do it for your.
Don’t hesitate, everything here is for sale.
Never question, don’t you want to fit in?
There, there, comfortable and numb, just like you wanted..

This is what you wanted. This is what you wanted. This is what you wanted.
This is what you wanted. This is what you wanted. This is what you wanted.
This is what you wanted. This is what you wanted. This is what you wanted.

This is what we wanted.

Conditional conditions can never be met
independent of context and linear thought
but armed with a choice that we can’t understand
we'll always assume that what's pretty is right

guide

2005-09-11T02:37:00.000-07:00

The day is done, come and gone, and left nothing to fear but the uncertainty of a new morning. The streets are empty, the lights are off, but the stars are out in full. The moon shines down and welcomes us home, for now it has begun. You know who you are, you know it’s our time, for we, we are the dreamers.

realism vs pessimism

2005-09-08T01:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Humanity,

Holy shit, I'm sorry.
Better luck next time.

your pal,

colin

Fred Penner will be my spokesman

2005-09-06T02:21:00.000-07:00

and that little bird of his too.

I just came up with the best idea in the world.

I call it "sleep”.

It’s something you do at night and then you wake up in the morning feeling all refreshed and junk and then go back to being a productive member of society. Or a semi-productive member of a covert anarchist’s group who’s only real purpose is stick in the gears long enough for people to mock and point at until you bend and break. Your choice.

I’m going to patent it and sell it on late night infomercials to lonely single men with Platinum credit cards but not at the same time as the Magic Bullet because once people realize they can make authentic alfredo sauce in the microwave in just seconds, they’ll be hooked on that Australian guy's accent and miss my low budget/high hilarity half hour of power.

I’ll also sell them “sleep” aid videos and accessories on a sliding scale ranging from the blue-collar favourite, Hammer to the Head, to the luxurious Bikini-Girl Filled Hot Tub and Bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

I won’t be like those other frauds on television who try to sell industrial strength air-beds that convert into couches but then go home at night to sleep in their king sized waterbeds. No sir, I’ll practice what I preach and sleep every night, sometimes even for days at a time, on a big pile of money, occasionally surrounded by pretty girls who are there because they love the real me, not my billions of dollars.

It’s still needs some fine-tuning though, so it won’t be on the market for a while yet. Beta testing begins tomorrow, because right now, I just came up from the kitchen where I made two of the best sandwiches in all of time and I plan to eat them and roll around on the floor in awe of how good they are which could take some time.

s'cuse me sir, can you spare some?

2005-09-04T04:34:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that drunken diatribes are completely overrated. It also occurs to me that “bang” is one of the most impactful words in the English language. Especially when followed by a period. Bang. Done. That’s how it happens, isn’t it? It’s not all thought out, we can’t all be boy scouts. Preparation is a fool’s errand. You can never be prepared. Not for life, not for love, not for everything in between.

All you can do is sit back and ride the wings of the storm.

I can feel it. It's coming on the wind and it's going to blow September to the far side of the moon.

We’ll all be better for it. Everyone can use a little.

now is not one of those times

2005-09-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that there’s a community of sorts out there. You good folks may be figments of my imagination, or I may just be a dream of yours, but that is no excuse to ignore proper etiquette. In that spirit, I’d like to apologize for neglecting to reply to the witty comments and the too kind praise on my few recent entries. I’d also like to apologize for not leaving as many such words on your scans de halo. I still read up on your daily adventures, and sometimes I laugh. Oh how I laugh, like laughter is a gigantic beast shaking me. And it shakes me so hard that I can’t leave comments without shaking my keyboard on to the floor. And sometimes I cry, but mostly I nod. I nod solemnly, and with fervour, as if to say “Yes, I agree. Yes. Yes!!”.
But when I’m not nodding, I’m shaking my head, and I’m saying “For shame, for shame.” But never towards you, no never, for I cherish the time we spend together, like I would cherish so many ripe blueberries, fresh from the bush, and sometimes, sometimes I make sense, but you still read this through, right to the end.

insanity

2005-08-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

It’s a bloody tricky word. Honestly, picture it in your head, and what comes to mind? For me it’s a shape; a square of sanity, a box of normal, it’s a glass half full of the majority. The “in” part is self-explanatory. To be insane, is to be in the norm.
The part that gets complicated, the part they don’t tell you about, is that be immersed in sanity, doesn’t make you sane. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. In order to recognize that you are constantly surrounded by normalness, you have to be different. You have to accept that an alternative exists, and once you acknowledge that, you’re going to be torn forever, because you’re still going to be forced to live most of your life inside your box. You don’t have much of a choice. It’s in this box that you go to work, buy groceries, and go to family reunions. It’s been a big part of your life up until this point, and it’s going to be tough to throw it away, so you’ll try to hang on. Unfortunately, by realizing there are other options, you suddenly won’t belong in this tidy little world anymore. Not like they all seem to. You’ll pretend of course. We know you’re good at pretending. That’s how you got this far.

So that’s it for now, keep it up.

microphonics

2005-08-25T04:27:00.000-07:00

I’m standing on the edge. It’s no mountain, but I’m high enough to see all the dreams you ever dreamt laid out below me. A few of them swirl golden with their own light. The rest are red and orange and glowing with the reflected glory of the burning sky. Gold is the colour you chose for your dreams. The rest were someone else’s.
The last time I saw you, your eyes were still just amber and not as bright as mine. If only I could have seen them when it happened, at the first new dawn, when you finally managed to remember the words. I was always sharper at night though. The moon and the stars did it for me. I’d always known the music was there, through them, even if I couldn’t hear it yet myself. I believed because I knew. You did too, though you refused to admit it then. The world looks a lot different when fear doesn’t matter anymore.
That’s why I’m standing on the edge. It’s no Eden, but I’m high enough to see that this is what I wanted.

i like stars

2005-08-17T03:44:00.000-07:00

My gift to you, will be a world.
Free of the cities. Yes.
Free of the city's eyes.

anywhere but here

2005-08-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that if one were to wish to make a spontaneous trip to an unknown destination, there would be a number of things one would be wise to do before hopping in the car. One of these would be to bend the rules a bit on the whole spontaneity factor. It’s hard to do something spur of the moment when you’ve already planned it to death months in advance, but the key is to pre-emptively arrange things so as to make it so when you do disappear for a few months, you piss off the minimum number of people you care about, and if at all possible, the maximum number of people you don’t. This ongoing effort of being in a constant state of readiness seems like a lot of work, but really, the trick is that it will make the rest of your life far simpler when accomplished.

First off, clean the place where you live. Second, keep it clean. Honestly, it’s not that hard, and it’s always nice to come home to a nice clean house/apartment/room/box. That is, assuming no one has gone and changed the locks on you while you’re gone. If that’s the case, you can at least take solace in the fact that the new occupants have a nice tidy place to live.

Secondly, because let’s face it, cleaning and maintaining cleanliness are more or less just one step, you should quit you job. Jobs are stressful and they take up a lot of your time. Also, employers tend to be unhappy with employees who stop showing up for work for weeks at a time, so it’s wise to let them know you’ll not be coming in any more. Unless you don’t like them. Oh, you should also cancel and plans to go to school, be it college, university, or the at home mail order CD variety. School costs money, and you’re going to need that money for gas.

Thirdly, you should keep an ample supply of things to eat and drink in your car at all times. I recommend caffeine drinks and beef jerky, the caffeine for rather obvious reasons, and the beef jerky because not only will it last for a long time, it also constitutes an entire activity in itself to eat.

Fourthly, you should keep large wads of cash on hand in case of emergencies. Emergencies being any situation in which you think, “Well now, this would have been a good time to have a large wad of money on hand.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go work out a few bugs with that last part.

five minute atrophy setting

2005-08-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

Thirty-six hours, only ten more to go. Back to work on a Sunday, the day of holy rest and satanic pilferage. Jesus was a pacifier, but I’ll get to that later, for now, I want to talk about us.
Yes, that’s right. It’s about our relationship. It seems we only ever have fun anymore when I’m either up on caffeine, fuelled by alcohol, or driven into the ground by the grand drug known as life. What happened to the old us? You know, the times we used to have, the laughs we shared. Chemical enhancements weren’t a prerequisite to our happiness when this started. We had something, something big, round and shiny. And it glowed in the dark. Now where are we? No more black velvet, no more diamonds in the sky. The vermillion sunset has come and gone and gone and gone. Maybe it’s time to sit down and have a real heart to heart. I hear you lack direction, drive, and focus. What a coincidence, so do I.

You can’t fire me, I quit.

No obligatory anything, no guilt, no circles. I’m running with the wind and you’ll never catch me I’m done.

suddenly I feel a strange craving for tea

2005-08-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking Thursday, as yesterday was Wednesday and yesterday is gone.

Wait, this was supposed to be an e-mail.

Screw it.

Obligatory Cottage Picture Number Four...

Heart. Call me.

the perfect plan

2005-07-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

I’m giving up caffeine today. Today being yesterday, and yesterday really being tomorrow as there is still so much in my system. Actually, scratch that. I’m giving up caffeine on Monday. No wait, Tuesday. I hate Mondays. Change that to Wednesday, it’s a long weekend, so Tuesday is the first day back at the office.

This isn’t working. It’s time to exercise some control.

Alright, the final plan is as follows…

Consume ridiculous quantities of caffeine in a gigantic farewell oh drug of gods celebration tomorrow morning in order to arrive at the gates of Warped Tour feeling awake and refreshed.

Then, throughout the day, I’ll counteract its stimulating effects with bottle after bottle of liquid depressant, AKA beer.

By the end of the night, I’ll surely have reached my natural “level” state of mind. Then I’ll plummet further and likely pass out. Waking up unmedicated the next day will have me feeling incredibly alert in contrast to the show and I’ll be all balanced out again.

What could go wrong?

Obligatory Cottage Picture Numer Three…

They aren’t actually talking.

utensil hybrid

2005-07-26T04:03:00.000-07:00

Don’t you damn well tell me you liked me better back the way I used to be.
I am the product of my own mistakes and I am quite happy with that. If you want a sixteen year old Colin, then go look at photos from when I was fourteen, because even then I was two steps ahead of you. Don’t claim to know the reasons behind my design. There’s nothing to know but dreams and madness and the occasional automated response. Who I was and who you wanted me to be, mean about as much as the random number I’m thinking of right now. I live outside of your head and I am not your reconstructed fantasy.

It’s entirely possible that this is all just a dream of yours, and you are the central axis around which this existence spins. But it’s also possible that you are not.

So seriously, the next person who says they miss “the old Colin” gets a spork to the eye.

Obligatory Cottage Picture Number Two, titled, “a Watermelon’s Final Farewell”

And the number was forty-two.