i smell a trend

I'm busy.
Everybody's busy.
I'm not really busy, I just probably should be.
I could list some things off that I have to do but I won't.
That's not the point of this experiment
It's time to apply to school but the internet only wants to work for things that aren't important.
Maybe I'll go read a book because I'm busy.

i wrote you a story

It’s called Colin had a pineapple once.




Colin had a pineapple once. It was born in the rainforest and its name was Jim. Colin was born in the city but one day he went to the jungle to make friends with a giraffe. It turns out that giraffes don’t live in the jungle but Colin had fun on the trip anyway because he got to see a monkey and he got to meet Jim. Colin and Jim became best friends and Jim liked Colin so much that he asked if he could go to the city and live with him. Colin said yes and they went back to Colin’s house.



Colin and Jim had lots of fun and played on the seesaw at the park and went to the zoo so they could both see a giraffe together.
Then it was Monday again and Colin had to go to work so he told Jim to be good and drove off. Later when he came home he found that while he was gone Jim had drunk all his beer and ate all his food and then called up all his old pineapple friends and had them come over to steal all of Colin’s stuff. Colin wasn’t happy. Fortunately, he suspected Jim was a bad pineapple because Jim talked in his sleep and Colin overheard his whole evil plan the night before. That’s why Colin had been sneaky and told Jim he was going to be home at two o’clock, when really he was home by midnight. So even though all his beer was gone, nothing else got stolen and now Colin had a house full of pineapples. He sold them to the grocery store and made back enough money to buy better beer but he didn’t sell Jim. He kept Jim because he wanted to teach him a lesson about honesty, so he ate him. When he was finished, Colin’s tongue started bleeding because Jim was full of lots of Bromelain and Bromelain breaks down protein, like in a ham. Colin forgot that his tongue was also made of protein and so in a way, Jim got the last laugh and showed Colin that capital punishment is not a good option. In another more accurate way, Colin got the last laugh because Jim was dead.

raymi the awesome

I’m here in non-stick form today because sometimes that counts more and right now I want it to count the most so that when I tell you that you should read Raymi’s book, you’ll at least think about it.
I want you to listen when I tell you that Marketable Depression is a book by Raymi about Raymi. It doesn’t have heroes and villains and last minute changes of heart to save the day and if that seems boring to you then you should probably go back to reading fiction about dragons and conspiracies and rogue terrorist groups with stolen nuclear weapons.
This is not for you.
If you live in a pretend world where everything is all sunshine and happiness, and bad things only happen on the tv, you’re not going to get it. This book is honesty and you are not.
On the other hand, if at some point every day you close your eyes and look up and into your brain and think “Wow, we’re all fucked up. This is all fucked up.” then it’ll be a good read.
This book is real. Raymi is real. That's two good reasons to buy it right there.

friction:

a rival of momentum and an old enemy of my own ambition.
You will be the second.
You’ve always been tricky. Sometimes you’re there, holding me back, and sometimes you vanish and send me headfirst into walls. You’re inconsistency is unpredictable and you seem to have complete disregard for the laws that you created and claim to represent..
That’s why you’ve got to go.
Still, I can’t help but wonder what could have been between us.
You could have kept things uniform. You could have kept me from going over the edge.
Why did you always disappear when things got slippery?
You had limits I suppose, and those limits led to envy.
It’s too bad I was bigger than you, but this world is bigger still, and I don’t need jealousy on my side.
Didn’t you know? I have no boundaries.

gravity goes first

I’m inventing a new world where physics don’t apply.
When you trip on the stairs you won’t fall down, instead you’ll get super powers.
The best part is that there will be no lame superpowers like mind reading or the ability to shoot fireworks out of your finger like that Jubilee girl from X-Men. Jubilee was lame.
All the superpowers will be supercool things like flame-breath, or laser-eyes or ninja skills.
I’ll have all three because I’m clumsy. After the third fall though, I’ll get the ninja skills and then I’ll never fall down again. Ninjas always land on their feet.
There will be other superpowers too, but nobody will have more than three because they’ll always manage to end up being ninjas the third time around.

apparently it's long

There once was a boy named Colin and he was twenty and a half years old.
Colin lived near the jungle, only not the kind of jungle with trees and vines and super intelligent monkeys. He lived near the kind of jungle made of flashing lights and shiny things. Every once in a while, Colin would leave hitch a ride on city run conveyance and take long and smelly trips to go see this wonderful place he’d heard so much about.
It was all fun and laughter and loud music, which is probably one of the reasons Colin can’t hear so well today. Mostly though, he stayed around home because he had to work and work and work. He had to work so much because he wanted to be able to live right in the middle of all the excitement one day.
Some time passed, but Colin still didn’t have enough money to move into even the smallest of the one-room basement apartments he saw in the newspaper. He did have enough money to stop working quite so much and start leaving home more though. So instead of saving more, he started spending more. He used most of his money but he got to ride on a train every day and he learned how to cook good tasting food.
Then came the summer. The summer saw some new lows for Colin. They weren’t real lows though, and they only happened because he tried to ignore them and he was looking the other way when they kicked him in the head. He was kind of dizzy for a while and his enemy, gravity, saw it as an opportunity to keep him down for good. It didn’t work though, because Colin can fly. It’s a rare talent possessed only by people who understand physics really well, or not at all. Colin never was really sure which one he is. Usually he tries not to think about it or else it stops working.
So the summer kept going, and it got better. Not long before the head-kicking, Colin had met a magic man who gave him a box with wheels that used explosions to fight friction and move really fast; much faster than Colin’s legs could take him. Colin and his wheel-box soon became best friends and went everywhere together. They went to the store, they went to the park, and they went to beaches but Colin is an insomniac so the beaches were closed sometimes. One time, Colin’s box got hit by another, stupider, box and got hurt a bit, but it was okay on the inside and Colin told his friend that it just added character. Also, there was enough room inside the box to hold lots of other people, so Colin got reacquainted with his friends who he hadn’t seen so much for a while.
The more places he went to, the more Colin realized how big the world is, and he wanted to see it all, but then it was the fall again so he had to put it off for a bit. Colin was excited now because soon he was going to start visiting the jungle every day again to learn how to cook even better. Everything was set except a mean lady on the phone told Colin he couldn’t come back because he hadn’t done well enough the year before. This was news to Colin, as he thought he’d done quite well, but the lady insisted that her computer said he hadn’t. Colin explained to her that his computer and the pieces of paper the cooking place had sent him in the mail disagreed. He told her she might want to check with her computer again to make sure it wasn’t lying to her. In the end it turned out that Colin was right because he’s awesome and the mean lady was not. Unfortunately, this phone call managed to set up a chain of events that resulted in Colin not wanting to learn how to cook anymore because the place where he went was apparently full of even more stupid people and they made things complicated when they should have been simple.
That is pretty much the end of the story for now, only not quite because that’s a sad way to end a story and the world hates sad endings even though it’s full of them. The world is dumb like that, but that’s old news. The real reason the story’s not done is because Colin is still Colin. His plans got exploded, but that tends to happen, so Colin got over it. Now he mostly just works and works and works again so that he can try out his old plan and move to the jungle next fall to read lots of books and write lots of words and cook lots of dinners, and maybe eat with someone else sometimes. So mostly he’s just waiting because he's good at waiting. Plus, since he realized how big everything really is, he has to take some time to decide whether to go to the same jungle, or a different one somewhere else, because apparently there are a lot of them and he’d kind of like to see some others.

keep spreading

Those of you who have been coming here for a while may have noticed the snazzy new shiny things banner up above. If you didn't, stop reading here and look up.
Yes, that's right. Photoshop is old news. MsPaint is where the cool kids hang out.

And now, since I've nothing left to say, you should head on over to the Paper Dollhouse to see what resident Vancouverite Dolly is up to. It's probably craziness. Or sock puppets.

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look it up

It's December, a month which as we all know is Latin for "spread the joy".

In this spirit, I cartoon-salute Randumb Drawings for being awesome.

You should go there. It's full of hilarity drawn by Triman, pictured above, on the right, under the pointing arrow and "Triman" label. He draws better than I do.

Go now.