Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Fred Penner will be my spokesman

and that little bird of his too.

I just came up with the best idea in the world.

I call it "sleep”.

It’s something you do at night and then you wake up in the morning feeling all refreshed and junk and then go back to being a productive member of society. Or a semi-productive member of a covert anarchist’s group who’s only real purpose is stick in the gears long enough for people to mock and point at until you bend and break. Your choice.

I’m going to patent it and sell it on late night infomercials to lonely single men with Platinum credit cards but not at the same time as the Magic Bullet because once people realize they can make authentic alfredo sauce in the microwave in just seconds, they’ll be hooked on that Australian guy's accent and miss my low budget/high hilarity half hour of power.

I’ll also sell them “sleep” aid videos and accessories on a sliding scale ranging from the blue-collar favourite, Hammer to the Head, to the luxurious Bikini-Girl Filled Hot Tub and Bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

I won’t be like those other frauds on television who try to sell industrial strength air-beds that convert into couches but then go home at night to sleep in their king sized waterbeds. No sir, I’ll practice what I preach and sleep every night, sometimes even for days at a time, on a big pile of money, occasionally surrounded by pretty girls who are there because they love the real me, not my billions of dollars.

It’s still needs some fine-tuning though, so it won’t be on the market for a while yet. Beta testing begins tomorrow, because right now, I just came up from the kitchen where I made two of the best sandwiches in all of time and I plan to eat them and roll around on the floor in awe of how good they are which could take some time.