Wednesday, March 02, 2005

one two three four five six switch?

I've got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It started out in my pinky toe, and worked its way up to my brain. Then gravity got the better of it, and it got trapped in my stomach on the way down. It doesn't seem to want to go away. Stupid vindictive feeling.
I slept in today. I know, any of you who know me well just went "Yeah man, it's you. That's what you do.". But I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It’s a secret that I've never really told anyone, because it's never worth the effort to explain, and no one ever seemed to understand.

I rarely ever actually sleep in.

I almost always wake up numerous times in these extended bouts of sleep. I wake up, and I think about getting up. I consciously weigh the trouble I’ll cause by sleeping in, against my unrelenting desire to stay in bed. My bed is comfortable, it’s warm, it’s safe, and it’s easy. Some would call it laziness. You want the truth? It’s fear. It’s pretty much the only thing I’ve ever truly been afraid of. Waking up… who knew?
So what used to happen, was me avoiding the world by going back to sleep. It kind of worked for a while, but it was mostly awful. Try repeatedly explaining to someone why you’ve been sleeping for the past thirty-six hours and are still tired... trust me, it gets rather annoying. You know what I did though? I fixed myself. I took control, and started to make my life into what I wanted it to be. I stopped sleeping all the time because I wanted to get up. So what happened today?

I slipped.
And now I’m a bit worried.